


know you so well

by worry



Series: little bits of stardust [13]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Downworlder Friendships, Gay Raphael Santiago, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Trans Male Character, raphael is good with kids fight me!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 07:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8362405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: “Why did they tell you to come to me?”“They said they thought you could help me,” she says, “the guy said you were friends with Magnus Bane, and that he helped you, and that he thought you would be the perfect person to help me.”“Okay,” he says – he still doesn’t fully understand why, but he knows that he has to help in some way – she reminds him of something, deep inside and buried. “Tell me what’s going on.”“I don’t think I’m a girl, or anything,” she says. “I just feel kinda… like, I don’t know, like I’m nothing.”(In which Raphael is gay, trans, and in love with Simon. Together, they're the go-to people for every downworlder kid that thinks they might be LGBT. It's beautiful.)





	

The first time he admits it, it feels like he can breathe again; he knows that Magnus can tell, but Magnus is wonderful and would never make him uncomfortable. That’s just _Magnus._

 

“Magnus,” he says, and he’s shaking, “can I – talk to you?”

 

“Of course,” Magnus replies, and motions for Raphael to sit next to him on the couch. “Are you okay?”

 

Raphael doesn’t join him, just stands in the doorway, new fangs biting into his lips. “I have to… tell you something.”

 

“You know you can tell me anything at all, right? No need to be scared.”

 

Then Raphael says _I’m a boy, Magnus_ like he’s coming back to life. _I’m transgender._ He’s heard the term before, thrown around sometimes in his human life, but always as a negative—

 

Raphael is a boy.

 

“Okay,” Magnus says, and that’s that.

 

A few days after this, he tells Raphael that he knows a guy – a werewolf surgeon (“I know, werewolves, but listen…”) who can perform top surgery on him, just say the word and he’ll make the appointment.

 

Raphael doesn’t cry when he says, _yes, that would be… good. I appreciate it._ He doesn’t. He _doesn’t._ He only cries after the surgery, when Magnus sees him and takes his hand and Raphael finally feels at _home_ with someone, a feeling he hasn’t felt since—

 

Well. Anyways.

 

Magnus also points him in the direction of an organization and support center for LGBT downworlders, says that they’ll help him if he wants to start hormone replacement therapy, and if he doesn’t, then they can still provide any resource that he needs.

 

This is when he cries even harder. He doesn’t let Magnus see it, but it happens. Raphael isn’t the kind of person who cries, he doesn’t _cry,_ but everyone at the organization is so nice and caring and Raphael, again, feels that hope of _home._

* * *

 

 

Telling Simon Lewis about his gender and sexuality ends up being harder than Raphael thought it would be. This is because he thought it was implied, he thought that Simon _knew,_ some of the other LGBT clan members have asked him about it _while Simon was in the room,_ but apparently nothing is ever _obvious_ to him, and Simon is one hundred percent _clueless._

Sometimes he’ll talk to Simon about a guy he dated briefly, but all that Simon does _every single time_ is nod, and rarely he’ll make a comment about transitioning, but Simon never seems to get it. He never _understands_ , because – typical Simon, honestly.

 

And then they kiss.

 

Correction: and then Simon kisses him.

 

“Simon,” he says, because he’s startled – this is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to him in his life, but that’s only because he never imagined that it would be like _this,_ with Simon, liking him back.

 

“Yeah? Shit, I’m sorry, I thought you were into me. Let’s ignore this, okay? Another thing we can agree not to discuss, and actually, you know, this time, not discuss it.”

 

“No,” Raphael says, “I do. I like you, a lot. I just – assumed you thought I was…”

 

Simon laughs. “What, straight?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Dude, you’re the least straight person in the entire universe. Seriously. And I know you’re trans, too, like, I’ve heard you talk about it, so… why did you think I wasn’t aware of it?”

 

Raphael shrugs. “I’m not sure. You just seemed like you weren’t paying attention.”

 

“Okay… well, I was. Obviously.”

 

“I know that now, thanks.”

 

“Anyway,” Simon says, “feel like kissing again?”

 

* * *

 

 

The first time that it happens, he senses someone new in the Hotel. Someone unfamiliar. There’s really no way that someone can trespass into the Hotel DuMort – security, and all that – but whoever this is managed to _do it,_ which means that it’s Raphael’s duty to figure out what the fuck is going on. It always is.

 

When he finally manages to track them down—

 

When he finally manages to track them down, he stops. It’s a little girl – not a vamp, he can tell – and she looks _scared._

“Hey,” he says softly, to calm her, “are you lost?”

 

“Are you Raphael Santiago?”

 

“I am, why?”

 

She pulls him right into a hug. It’s – incredibly uncomfortable, but he pushes that down – something in him says that she needs help, so he hugs her back in the best way that he can. It’s awkward, but it’s _something._

“The people at the – the – the _center_ told me you could help.”

 

He frowns. “What center?”

 

Then it clicks, and he remembers crying from happiness all those years ago when he finally found that _support._ “Oh,” he says. “Right – of course.”

 

He takes her upstairs to an empty room, calms her down and offers her any help that he can give within reason (the only thing that they have in the DuMort is, obviously, _blood,_ but he wraps a blanket around her to keep her warm because that’s what he can _do_ ).

 

Then he asks: “Why did they tell you to come to me?”

 

“They said they thought you could help me,” she says, “the guy said you were friends with Magnus Bane, and that he helped you, and that he thought you would be the perfect person to help me.”

 

_Magnus Bane._

“Okay,” he says – he still doesn’t fully understand _why,_ but he knows that he has to help in some way – she reminds him of something, deep inside and buried. “Tell me what’s going on.”

 

“I don’t think I’m a girl, or anything,” she says. “I just feel kinda… like, I don’t know, like I’m nothing.”

 

“What’s your name?” he asks. “Is it okay if I refer to you as ‘she’?”

 

“My name’s Sarah,” she replies, “and yeah, what else?”

 

He talks to her for hours, tells her that some people aren’t boys or girls and that this is called being non-binary.

 

When she leaves, she hugs him again and thanks him. “ _Thank you,_ ” she says, “I’m gonna go and tell my best friend about this, ‘cause I think it might help her too.”

 

No one has ever thanked him like this.

Raphael _helped._

* * *

 

The next time that it happens, he’s walking with Simon at night. Hand-in-hand. Raphael told him that the sensory overload would help him learn control, but there was no truth to the words and Simon knew it; the words _I love you_ are sitting in both of their mouths.

 

And then a boy – by the looks of it, warlock, can’t be more than fourteen – walks up to them. He’s _crying._ “Are you Raphael Santiago and Simon Lewis?”

 

Simon glances at him, and then it shifts to Raphael. “Yeah, that’s us,” he says with a smile, “what’s up?”

 

“I’ve been looking for you,” he says, “um, my cousin, Sarah, told me you were really nice to her, and I’m glad, and I also… need someone to talk to.”

 

Raphael bites down on his lip. Maybe he’ll get a chance to tell Simon later.

 

“Okay,” he says.

 

The boy wipes at his eyes. “Sorry, it’s just… my parents are, you know, and I can’t exactly talk to Sarah about this because she’s nine, and—”

 

“It’s cool,” Simon says. Raphael had told him about Sarah after it happened, to which Simon replied, sarcastically, _who knew you were capable of being sweet? Just kidding. That was really nice of you._ “Don’t worry about it, seriously. What’s on your mind?”

 

“I should go—”

 

“No one will judge you,” Raphael says a little bit too firmly. “It’s fine.”

 

He explains it all. His name is Jasper and his best friend is a boy and he’s starting to _feel things,_ he thinks that he’s in love and he’s _scared_.

 

Raphael and Simon spend the rest of the night explaining it to him. Raphael tells him about being gay and Simon teaches him about pansexuality, they tell him _it’s okay_ and Jasper cries a few more times before smiling at them, all teeth, and saying, “I’m gay. I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

 

Raphael smiles back. “How do you feel?”

 

“I feel… a lot better. I feel comfortable with myself.” Jasper looks back and forth at them, eyes wide. “Thank you, so much.”

 

“Any time, buddy,” Simon says.

 

“You don’t have to thank us,” Raphael adds.

 

When Jasper leaves, Simon kisses him, takes his hands, and says: “Holy shit, I’m so in love with you.”

 

* * *

 

After this, the word starts to spread. The word being that Raphael Santiago and Simon Lewis are wonderful and in love and _comforting._

 

They see about three downworlder kids a week, with each of them having different needs – some need support, some have support from their families but need someone to talk to that understands, and some just need help figuring it all out.

 

Finally, Raphael feels like he’s making a difference.

 

Finally, Simon feels at home.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I HOPE PPL LIKE THIS I've had this image of LGBT Downworlder resources in my mind FOREVER and I needed to write it!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah pls tell me what you think
> 
> also I'm a trans demiboy but I'm never-T and I'm never gonna get top surgery so tell me if any of this info is inaccurate lmao


End file.
